The past 4 months have been surreal…

It’s been over four months since I last posted on this blog. Life took a strange turn and I decided to stop fighting to stay in a place that was unhealthy and take a chance on opportunities. It took all of me to make the shift so my writing took a back seat.

For 10 months, I struggled to land a job. Interviews that went nowhere, nerves got the better of me and rejection that crippled me with self doubt. My on-going battle with health issues was the moldy icing on top of the shitty cake that was my life. One day in February, I lost it. I screamed, I ranted, and blew my top. Long stuffed emotions boiled over. Why the hell was I killing myself to stay in a place where I didn’t want to be for someone that is toxic to my life? During my curse laden rant, I told my husband to start applying out of state for job opportunities and I did the same. We took a giant leap of faith together.

Within weeks, he had multiple interviews out of our home state, and then I had an interview for a job in the same state as him.  He was offered a position and I landed a job at the only place I interviewed. We bought a house and moved out of state to new jobs and better life opportunities.

During this decision to move, I finally met with a doctor that thought part of my health battles may be made worse by environmental factors. I went on a natural supplement regimen and I slowly improved.

As I sit here, the entire four months feels so surreal. There is a tiny part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, the kick to the face or the blind sided take down. But for now, I am taking the door that is open and leaving the one that is bolted closed behind. The darkness has lifted and anger let go. I am cautiously hopeful, genuinely happy, extremely thankful and surprisingly peaceful.

 

 

 

8th Doc and a Neighbor

I saw my 8th doctor a few days ago.  This time a pulminologist with an immunology background.  He spent time with me and asked different questions.  He sent me for an x-ray and different blood work.  When I go back in two weeks, I have to do a breathing test. He was very reassuring.

After that appointment, I was talking to a neighbor and she told me about the symptoms she was having and they were very similar to mine but there were some differences.  She explained her treatment and that she is feeling better. She gave me the name of her doctor and if I don’t have answers in a few weeks, I’m going to make an appointment with him.

In the meantime, I am dealing with the symptoms and hoping for some answers soon.

Waiting…not one of my strengths

I feel as if I am in a holding pattern high in the sky circling around a landing strip, just waiting for clearance to land. Waiting makes me anxious.  My impatience has worked against me in the past.  I know that all too well.

Waiting for a call for an interview

Waiting for a diagnosis

Waiting to move out of state

Waiting for our situation to get better

Waiting, waiting, waiting

This year has to be better than last year.  I’m tired of waiting.  I have to go do something.

 

Broke Down Today-a few times

First time, my husband is sick and he is feeling overwhelmed with everything he is going through and our financial stress. He filled out the paperwork to take money out of his 401K today. That made me cry. I called to get the paperwork to close a small retirement account I have.

Second time, we talked about calling a realtor to see what we need to do to the house to make sure it sells… in case the job situation doesn’t change over the next few months. Just to be prepared. Crying had nothing to do with the thought of selling the house. Crying had to do with the possibility of my son having to change schools as a high schooler.

Third time, my daughter got accepted into her first choice college and into the honors program. I am happy for her but I cried. The school is very far away from here but that isn’t what made me cry. The fact is that there is no way I can afford to send her there and her father, my ex-husband, is no help. He owes me so much money that I stopped keeping track. So I cried.

My husband said he’s not worried and that something will come up. That it will turn around. I have believe it. I have to.

No Answers…

Still no answers. Cardiologist said that my heart is fine after reviewing my couple minute EEG and listening to it along with reviewing my stress test and echocardiogram from 5 years ago. Said the pain could be coronary artery spasms but that there is no test for it. Instead they treat with medication and see if it gets better. He wants me to exhaust all other options – GI, Pulminologist, etc. – before we go down this path.  If there is no diagnosis or relief in a month, I’m to go back to the cardiologist.

So, I’m still in a holding pattern, still an ‘interesting’ case, still waiting for an answer.

Is it back or never left?

Had the endoscopy yesterday.  I slept all day and woke up around dinner time feeling like I had a hang over.  So the infection is back or it never really left.  There doesn’t seem to be any damage.  The GI doc seemed enthralled with my case because it’s a weird one, apparently I’m an anomaly.  They took a biopsy and a brushing.  Nothing on my paperwork indicated that the chest pain is tied to this infection.  I’ve had this infection before but never the chest tightening.  GI doc mentioned the infection might be in my lungs.  So now I wait. Wait for the biopsy and wait for my cardiologist appointment on Friday.  I’m guessing I will be sent to a pulmonologist next.  Chest tightening keeps making me lose my breath and now I’m coughing more.

I broke down today and cried to my husband.  I’m just frustrated.  Not having a job, money stress and my health issues are getting to me.  He’s so supportive even though he has his own stress and issues going on.

I forced myself to get writing and continue to apply to jobs.  Started feeling emotionally better late in the afternoon.  But the chest tightening is more frequent and really uncomfortable….

Chest Pains – Anxiety or Something Else

For the past three weeks or so I have been getting pains in my chest – a tightening, squeezing sensation.  At first, I chalked it up to stress, the holidays, job search anxiety, etc. But then the sensation increased in occurrence and I momentarily lost my breath.  After a day of it happening back to back and so often I lost count, I called my doc.  At my appointment, everything came up normal – with the exceptions of the tightening.  I had blood work done and referrals to see a cardiologist and a GI doc.

I’m going in tomorrow for an endoscopy.  I think the previous infection I had is back (because the gagging feeling is back) but I’m hoping there is no damage to my esophagus.  I’m frustrated because I have been dealing with this for about 5 years.  I’m tired.  I’m scheduled for the cardiologist on Friday.

I told my doc that if I every had a heart attack, I would never know it.  With this esophagus issue and my anxiety issues, I’d never know the difference…  I believe this is all tied to stress.  My struggle with managing stress and anxiety is killing me.  It really is killing me.

I’m feeling lost.

 

 

2015 is OVER

I’ve been gone from here for just over a month.  I shut down and hunkered down to get through the last month of the year.  We put a tree up and some wreaths but that was it.  Didn’t host this year, and the holidays just came and went.  Didn’t buy much for Christmas because money is getting tight but really because there is nothing that any of us really needs.  I am desperate to live more simply.  All decorations were put away right after the new year started.

2016 is here but I’ve got some finishing of 2015 to get through.  I had another interview this past Tuesday.  My nerves got the best of me.  The interviewer’s demeanor threw me.  More importantly, after that interview (I wish I did it before) I contacted my former boss.  After everything I went through and the fear of them blocking me, the communication was good and supportive to the point of wanting to help me get hired.  I don’t think I will be so nervous on my next interview.  So that is good.

I’m So Over 2015

Screw you or thank you Universe….hell probably both even though I want to kick myself for even thinking of saying thank you.

I can honestly say that this year has been the worst year of my life.  I’ve had some pretty bad shit happen in my life but this year has been fucking brutal.  It’s like the universe is taking its time kicking the shit out of me little by little… a punch to kidney, a kick in the teeth, a knife through the heart, a board to the forehead, a slap to the face… you get the point.

After spending great parts of my life wishing or longing for death, it seems like the universe is screwing with me.  It can always get worse and be thankful for what you’ve got.  Like maybe, if I can make it through this shitty year riddled with death, loss, unemployment, stress, insecurities, injury, illness, rejection, etc., then I will have completed my penance for all of the times I welcomed or wished for my own death throughout my life.  And was it really bad before?  That would be the screw you Universe.

So, even through I’m going through all this bullshit and at times thinking of death to ease my pain, I’m still here.  I’m not suicidal.  I’m stronger.  I have a better understanding of what is important.  I do believe that I can/will figure out what to do in bad situations.  That would be the thank you Universe.

Just in case it matters: Thank you Universe.  I’ve got it.  Really I do.

 

Exploding – Not Always a Bad Thing?

So, I guess with all the stress and worry I’ve been jamming down my gut for apparently too long just boiled over and an explosion was needed. It felt good to ‘scream’ at the end of my last post. It was more of an emotional quiet explosion. I didn’t yell at my family or throw anything. Just typing a cursing tirade while wiping my tears and snot on my sweatshirt seemed to do the trick.

That night, after the tirade, I found a career related open conference – professional conversations event. I signed up because there was no freaking way I was going to do a rinse and repeat of Friday on Saturday and if I stayed home that is sure as shit what would have happened. I went to the conference, talked, networked, and felt a little better about myself. And I was able to eat.

None of the worry and stress is gone but at least the negativity and defeatist thoughts have shut the fuck up…for now. I’m calling that process of some sort.